Hello! It's been quite awhile since I've posted on here. I've been feeling an extremely strong urge to write lately but have avoided it as I have been feeling very heavy and dragged down lately. I do not like to write when I am feeling negative as I do not like reading negative things. However, I have noticed that these are the times that I most NEED to write and rarely, by the time I'm finished writing, do they actually end on a negative note. So, here I go. I'll be writing whatever comes to my little brain this time.
I titled this post "Enlightenment in ways we least expect" because I know that through every trial we face in life we end up enlightened in one way or another. It's very difficult to see, however, when you are actually in the motion.
Literally, I have slipped into a depression this month that I haven't felt in a quite awhile. When I say "quite awhile" I mean probably for at least a year. You see, I am diagnosed bi-polar. I really don't like labels and try to avoid looking at things from this perspective but I can see the correlations between my actions and the actions associated with someone who suffers from bi-polar disorder. I try DESPERATELY not to make it noticeable to others but it is still very obvious in my life when I hit my highs and lows. The lows are particularly painful so when I say I am in a depression I know I am hitting that point. It's not like I want to kill myself or anything. It's just that I cry a lot, for really no good reason, I get upset easily and can become irrational. I don't want to do anything and have to really, really force myself to take care of myself. It takes everything in me to get up and get ready for work and arrive on time looking professional. Because of my efforts my co-workers generally think I am just more tired than usual. Or, maybe they're just being nice and not saying anything more about it.
I have found that it is beneficial to talk about my disorder with my manager. Many people disagree with me because of the stigma attached to bi-polar disorder. People do have a tendency to judge, especially when they don't know about the disorder or they've had bad experiences with people who do suffer from it. Nonetheless, I continue to communicate with my manager in an attempt to raise her awareness and let her know when I am struggling. She seems compassionate enough and if it really bothers her she will say something. I'm glad that we have this type of relationship. I believe it is crucial to build honest relationships in order to work through the issues that arise when you are bi-polar. Because I have ups and downs I need to be able to say, "hey, you know, I'm having a tough time right now, or, I'm having a tough day. I'm having a harder time focusing today, would you mind looking this over in case I missed anything?" Again, some people would completely frown on this scenario but I am fortunate enough to be able to work in an environment where we rely on each other as a team to accomplish what needs to be done in the office. There are many steps that I take to make my work successful and at some point later on I'll go through those.
Sometimes I hate talking about it because I hate how I am and how it affects me. I want SOOO badly to prove that it can be controlled even though we don't really have a choice in what happens to our brains chemically. But, maybe we do? I mean, when we take drugs we alter our state of consciousness and when we meditate we can do the same thing. In our sleep we are in an altered state of consciousness. This is one of the things that I wish to clear up in my life. My goal is to find a way to convey that this disorder, while not completely controlled, can be managed in such a way that you can be successful in your life. I believe we all can be successful. An old friend of mine once said that you have two choices in life. God gave you a hand, whether it's a good hand or not you have no choice in but what you do with that hand is up to you. You can do the best with what you've got or you can just fold. Folding never got anyone anywhere. So, now you know where I stand.
I believe I have written enough for now. Given my previous journals you may expect to see another entry anywhere from 3 months to 3 years, lol. But, that's just the way it is sometimes. I wasn't planning on writing about my disorder but maybe I will and just maybe, I might just set a reminder and write in it weekly. Who knows? Have a great day! ;-)
